The story of Sara Jane starts when I was a mere twenty-five years old, with two very rambunctious boys…I became severely depressed. I was so very depressed and it was the first time I felt that I needed to see a psychiatrist. I went and she diagnosed me a severely depressed and started me on medication. About two weeks after seeing the psychiatrist and in the midst of this depression, I found out I was pregnant. I am not sure if the depression was from the hormones of pregnancy or because of my genetics, but I was in a bad way. I was a young mom with minimal support. I had two boys a 6 yo and a 2 yo and I felt like the worse mom in the world. I just wasn’t ready for another baby. The hormones were raging in my body and I just couldn’t deal with the fact that I was pregnant again. I literally shut down during this pregnancy.
Of course, I went to that place where I hated myself and didn’t think I could handle another child. I did what I always did when things were going bad… I ate and ate and ate…this has always been my favorite way to self-sooth…eat. I gained a lot of weight…and the cycle would start…eating was my way of dealing with stress and depression, gaining weight depressed me and the cycle started…but that is another story.
Now you have to realize that this was back in the day before everyone had ultrasounds on a regular basis…I just knew I was going to have another boy. My doctor even made a bet with me that I was going to have a girl and if I didn’t he would take me out to lunch. I said fine and if I did I would buy him lunch. Now, having a boy wouldn’t have been all that bad, I would have loved him as much as I love all my children, I just didn’t want another child…period.
I had an emergency c-section with my middle son and so this would be a planned c-section. According to me, my due date should have been November 28th, but based on my size and such the doctor insisted my due date was October 28th (another thing we argued about during my pregnancy). We scheduled the c-section for October 25th.
On the morning of October 25, 1985, I walked out of my little house in Zion to give birth to my third child…needless to say, I was scared, nervous, and excited. Of course, we had to stop at McDonald’s to get Fred breakfast and coffee…which I couldn’t have.
We arrived at the hospital and I remember sitting in my hospital bed waiting for them to wheel me to the delivery room. This would be the first time my husband was allowed in the delivery room. My first was in 1979 and the doctor didn’t allow men in the delivery room and we didn’t find out until the last minutes. My second was an emergency c-section. He would actually be there with me, during the entire birth. I was so excited for him to see the birth of our child. They wheel me into the operating room and put the spinal in and then everything went so fast.
There was a lot of tugging and ohs and ahs, and a WOW…then the beautiful sound of a baby crying. The doctor says, “It’s a girl” and I said, “No it isn’t” and then he said, “yes it is” and I say, “This isn’t the time to be joking.” and at this point he brings the baby around the blue drape and proves to me it is a girl, he then places her on my chest and I cried! I remember looking at Fred and said…It IS a girl! And we held her together for a few minutes and then he and my daughter were gone and they knocked me out for the remainder of the delivery.
They did their assessment she weighed 9 lbs 2 oz and determined that she was only 36 weeks gestation. The doctor said she would have been well over 12 pounds if she was born when she was 40 weeks. Because she was early, she had a slight wheeze that made her sound like she was talking, but other than that she was a healthy baby girl. At the time, I thought the most beautiful name I had ever heard was Sara, and I loved Fred’s mom Jane so her name would be Sara Jane. On that day and every day since I still couldn’t believe I had a girl.
My baby girl was a tough little thing. She was always determined and independent. She had a strong will and never liked to show her emotions when she was mad or hurt she would run to her room to hide. As she grew she was not what you would consider a tomboy, but she was definitely not a girly girl either. She was Sara Jane…I will have to admit that she has never changed in the 34 years since that day she was born.
My depression will always be there waiting to rear its ugly head when I least expect it, but having my baby girl makes it more bearable. My boys are amazing and I love them with all my heart, but there is something different about a daughter’s love. My daughter will always be my best friend, someone I can count on to be there and understand me as a woman. She understands my womanly emotions that no man could ever understand. It is a love like no other love.
So here it the story of my baby girl…Sara Jane
I loved you yesterday, I love you today, and I will love you tomorrow.
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